There’s been a few lately.
• Tiger Woods. Didn’t talk to the police, released a statement that clarified nothing and will sit out his own golf tournament. If you are going to mess around on your wife and flee at 2:30 a.m., make sure you don’t hit anything. And there’s something really funny about the fact that his wife, Elin Nordegren, used a golf club to help him get out. Explain why both back windows were busted? Tiger was getting the hell out of there. And yes, cheating on your wife, especially when you have a ton of money in the bank, is a bad decision, moral or not. http://tinyurl.com/yljodex
• Charlie Weis. Don’t tell the media that he’d have no defense if Notre Dame fired him because of his win-loss record over five seasons. If you’re going to get fired – and you did – don’t let on. Just talk about the future and what it’ll entail, so that when you get the ax, you can act surprised and walk away fine. http://tinyurl.com/yatanjx
• Grady Sizemore. Do not, under any circumstance, take a picture of your junk and send it via e-mail to your girlfriend. It’ll end up on the Internet for all of the world to see and your employer will have to apologize for you. Even if you are the reincarnation of Milton Berle, nothing good will come out of this. http://tinyurl.com/ycnul8t
• Mike Huckabee. If someone gets a 99-year sentence, there’s a reason for it. You don’t pardon the guy and let him back onto the street. That someone will go somewhere else and kill four police officers in a coffee shop and then you’ll have to explain yourself. And if you think a presidential run is possible now, nope, not even close. The guy raped a child at 17 years old and “he changed.” Wow, that’s a big fuck-up. http://tinyurl.com/yhw6ljs
• Kidnapped by Iran. I’ve heard that the coast of Iran is beautiful this time of the year. I’ve never been there and honestly never will, because it is IRAN. They hate Westerners. Not the people, but the government. So, if you have a yacht and you are getting close to Iran’s territorial waters, get the hell out of there. They’ll snatch you and hold you as spies. Hell, they may kidnap me for typing this and I’m nowhere near Iranian territory. And that won’t change – until it is safe to go there without risk of arrest. http://tinyurl.com/yevxd9o